So, I think I'm going to get back to the monsters for now...so we'll talk about one of the most popular monsters that many adults tend to underestimate.
Avoiding the Boogie-Man: Strategies for Survival
The boogie-man may be one of history’s best-kept secrets. Boogie-men cause deaths and disappearances on a daily basis; they killed Napoleon and every other elderly person with a frail heart. Most children are aware of the dangers of the boogie-man, yet most adults are dangerously ignorant of this nighttime menace. Because many people over the age of ten have fallen victim to this monster, the following discussion is comprised of valuable information that will help detect, distinguish between, and defeat all types of boogie-man.
The most important piece of information you need to know is how to fend off the boogie-men. But even this knowledge is useless if you don’t know what a boogie-man is. All boogie-men are pale, nocturnal, and careful. They cannot be seen in direct light because of a biological stealth mechanism that has evolved with their need to survive; any light renders them invisible. The only flaw in this ability is that when they become invisible, they also become immobile. To avoid this helplessness, boogie-men never come out of hiding during the day.
Boogie-men rely almost completely on scent because they are horribly far sighted. They can unhinge their jaws to swallow people whole, and the only thing left after the digestive process is a human corpse, dead of heart failure. Of course, to effectively battle the boogie-men, you must understand each of the three types.
The most common type of boogie-men is the bed-boogie-man. As with all of his species, he gets his namesake from his hiding spot. The bed-boogie-man creates his nest in the warm underside of your bed. He is generally very short and very flat, easily able to both fit and maneuver in the small space. His weapons are his long arms which he uses to snag your legs as you walk toward the bed, because he has neither the patience to wait for you to fall asleep, nor the muscle structure to reach the top of the bed. The telltale sign of a bed-boogie-man is an overabundance of dust bunnies, for these are the bed-boogie-man’s feces.
The most well-known of the boogie-men is the closet-boogie-man. This breed of boogie-men holes up in the dark corner of your closet and is set apart from other boogie-men by his height, his skinniness, and his flexibility. Despite his ability to become invisible in the light, the closet-boogie-man prefers to fold his long, stick-like body, concealing himself between hanging articles of clothing. He feels safest around corduroys, and abhors flannel, so if you stock your closet with flannel, the closet-boogie-man will break out in hives and disintegrate into a minty scented dust.
The closet-boogie-man’s hunting technique differs greatly from the bed-boogie-man’s. He is much more patient that the bed-boogie-man and can easily wait until you have fallen asleep before strangling you with his long fingers. The closet-boogie-man is very difficult to detect because he makes almost no noise, and disposes of his waste by spreading an odd smell through the air. Therefore, there is only one way to tell if he is there. Despite his extreme anorexia and lack of muscle, the closet-boogie-man still has both mass and weight, and therefore causes some clothes to fall from their hangers. If you discover that some of your hanging clothes have been displaced or have fallen, you surely have a closet-boogie-man.
The final and most rare breed of boogie-men is the window-boogie-man. This boogie-man has only appeared a few times in history and therefore, all that is known about him is that he has bat like wings. Despite the lack of information regarding his appearance, his other characteristics are unmistakable because his hunting style is significantly different than the common boogie-mau78n’s. The window-boogie-man is the only boogie-man that does not actually inhabit your room. He prefers to roost just outside your window. He also hibernates. You will only meet this boogie-man on warm summer nights, when you cannot help but open your window. Then, he sneaks into your room, and waits for you to open your eyes, at which time he pounces. The window-boogie-man prefers his victims to be sleepy, and he muffles their screams with his wings. The window-boogie-man generates a good bit of wind when entering your room, and that wind causes the curtains to flap noisily. Therefore the only clear warning that will tell you that the window-boogie-man is in your room is the sound of the curtain blowing.
If you believe that you are being targeted by a boogie-man, your first priority is to conduct a thorough search for the telltale signs of invasion. Because of their stealth mechanism, using your eyes to search is nearly useless, but rather you should use your other senses; specifically, your ears. The easiest and most common method of check your bedroom for infestation is to lie on your bed at night, and listen very carefully for odd sounds that you wouldn’t hear during the day. One of the easiest sounds to recognize is the characteristic moaning made by boogie-men when they sense prey is near. Another sound to listen for is more of a creaking noise. Boogie-men, because of their hiding places, do not get to move around much, for moving would alert their targets. The creaking is caused by them slow movement of their arms and legs in preparation for their attack.
If you notice any signs that point to the presence of a boogie-man, precautionary measures must be taken. Your first step is to place a working flashlight within grabbing distance. The next defense you must put in place is to arrange a circle of fierce-looking toys around your bed, for boogie-men cannot discern that these toys are inanimate, and they will flee at the slightest sign of a fight. Finally, you must dress in pajamas that will allow you to move quickly because boogie-men can be quite swift; wearing cumbersome clothing will do absolutely nothing to help you. It is imperative that you put all the precautionary measures into place while the light is on. If the light is off, you are a sitting duck for an opportunistic boogie-man.
Now, you must reach the bed. If you do not have a light switch within arm’s length of your bed, you must be extremely careful. The bed-boogie-man is exceedingly skilled at grabbing legs when you are walking to your bed, so you must be sure not to come within his reach. Of course, the only sure way to do this is to take a running leap onto your bed. Not only will you have gotten past the first danger of the night, but you will have startled any other boogie-men enough to give yourself an hour or two of safety.
Most bed-boogie-men are not able to reach you when you are in your bed; they are not nearly as flexible as their closeted cousins. In fact, their arms are not physically able to lift more than a few inches off the ground. So, if you have cleared this hurdle, then you have taken care of the bed-boogie-man for the night. Now the danger rests in the closet- and window-boogie-men.
If you are a light sleeper, you are guarded against most closet-boogie-men because they are incredibly fearful of confrontation and will not attack you if you are either awake or are likely to wake. However, there are a few brazen closet-boogie-men who will emerge from their hiding places to feed, even if you are moving around. The safest way to block these boogie-men, brazen or not, is to shut your closet door. Because of the lack of anything besides skin and bones, closet-boogie-men, as a whole, are extremely weak. They can barely lift themselves off the ground to attack, let alone open a door. If your closet doesn’t have a door, then you must create another semicircle of toys around the doorway.
The flip side of the coin is that if you are a light sleeper, you are much more susceptible to the window-boogie-man. As you may recall, the window-boogie-man waits for you to open your eyes to eat you. If you believe that a window-boogie-man has entered your room, then the first thing you must do is squeeze your eyes shut. Under no circumstances should you open your eyes. If you open your eyes, even just a crack, the window-boogie-man will notice. This is where the flashlight comes in handy. If you have prepared correctly, you will have placed a flashlight within grabbing distance. Now, without opening you eyes, you will grab the flashlight, click the light on, and shine the beam directly at the foot of the bed. The window-boogie-man will always wait at the foot, never at your side, because he only moves in large swoops, and the foot of the bed is the perfect distance for him. Once you have focused the flashlight on the foot of the bed, you must flick it off for a brief moment, then back on, and wave it around.
The first beam of light focused on the window-boogie-man shocks and immobilizes him, the moment of darkness gives him the chance to move out of killing range, and the wild slashing of the light frightens him out of your room. Only after you have waved the flashlight for a good minute may you open your eyes. Give your room one cursory look. Check to see if there has been any activity by the closet- or bed-boogie-man, then turn the flashlight off and go back to sleep.
If you follow these guidelines to the letter, your chances for surviving the night are markedly increased. Just remember that boogie-men have almost no reason in their minds, are completely driven by instinct, and that nothing is completely guaranteed to fend them off. Trusting your intuition and playing it safe will be your best option.
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